if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe, say you will..

good evening blogger :)

i'm not sure of the exact reason that i'm blogging at 1am, but that's okay because i'm in the 'zone'.

over the past few days i think i've learnt more about myself than in a long long time.

i think i'm finally starting to accept the situation as it is. people are going to be utter wankers, but the ones that mean the most will make sure they remain in your life, no matter what.

i think all of the effort i have been putting into relationships isn't necessary for the ones that really do matter. because that's what the perfect relationship should be right? effortless.

i mean i'm not saying it should be easy, it's never easy. but i've come to realise that all of the most important people will never ever judge you. no matter what you say or do. and amidst all of the worrying and effort i've been putting into some relationships, i seem to have forgotten that the most precious people in my life are the ones that are always there, and always love me, no matter what the circumstances.

so for those of you who read my blog, or who play an active part in my life, i just wanted to say thank you. in fact, even if you don't read my blog, i just like to get it out.

i'm probably one of the hardest people to understand, i'll only ever give you half the story, and then the other half you'll have to just 'get'. and it's those people that 'get' me, and are patient with me every single day that i could not live without.

while walking around bristol, i came to realise that there really are bigger things than meet the eye. and although life throws a million fucking problems at us (usually all at once), tomorrow will always be better, and brighter, and sunnier, and if not? the day after that will be.

i'm really determined now, more than ever, to make something of myself. if i could even change ONE person's life, maybe just in the smallest of ways, that will be enough for me.

i want to make a difference. a real difference. to anyone, or everyone.

i'm ready. so c'mon world, throw this shit at me. i'm ready for anything.

:) it's been a great couple of days.

kat.

it must have been for a cause our lives have so many doors.

i never knew that everything was falling through

over my head - the fray.

afternoon.

i've revamped my blog so hopefully a lot more posting will occur within the coming few weeks, as and when i need an outlet.

i've been thinking and over thinking in the last few days. as usual. i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just mellow. surprisingly, considering it's the half term, i think this is the first time i haven't got really excited about who i'm seeing or what i'm doing. i'm tired of most of the people in my life, who tend to either just make snap judgements, or dip in and out of my life at their discretion. instead this half term has been pretty self reflective so far.

i've been pondering over university prospectus' and pretty much the 'goals' in my life again. which probably isn't the best idea because that always makes me feel like an idiot for not working and being a fuckwit while everyone works their asses off.

saying that, i'm so excited for university and for driving (i finally booked my test!). i can't wait to be able to escape. i just want to live every moment to the complete maximum. i'm fed up of dwelling on situations, i just want someone to spend every moment with, stand by my side through everything y'know.

i've got some amazing friends. there's only a few, but they're beautiful. i think i need to start living for these moments rather than waiting for things to change.

and yet while i sit here blogging away, i can't help thinking that something's missing. :( i hope this feeling doesn't last long. fuckfuckfuck.

kat.

'what if you should decide that you don't want me there in your life?'